Archive for August 2011

Oh These Perks Are The Perkiest!   1 comment

I work at the YMCA in Batavia. From time to time the Y gets boxes of samples to give to our members. They are placed out on the welcome/reception counter and usually with coupons.

Items you might find samples of are: Men’s Razors, Deodorant, Shower Gel, Other Toiletries, Baby Toilet Trees (just kidding), Gum (trident tried its new flavor tuna-melon on us first), and Hand Lotion. There are others but these immediately come to mind.

At the moment we are giving away Golden Graham Treats. They are bars made from Golden Grahams cereal with chocolate chunks and marshmallows and a chocolate platform to hold it all. Sounds like a child’s or PMSing mom’s christmas list doesn’t it?

Anyway… if you have walked around the Y recently you would probably have witnessed most employees munching on these bars. Let me tell you, they are delicious. And I think I have diabetes now.

Whenever we have freebies the employees indulge. Why not? We don’t get any other perks so its nice to save 3 bucks once in a while when I am given travel size bottles of Axe “Sword of Zeus” flavored shower gel with little bits of real sword for that freshly scrubbed-exfoliated feeling.

This all got me thinking. I bet if I were to sneak up on most employees at that time they probably all smelled like Axe shower gel. And when we were giving away sample size packets of hand lotion I could probably shake hands with anyone in the building and find that they felt like a freshly oiled baby’s belly.

We gave away men’s razors once. They were some serious, 5-bladed weapons of warfare in the battle against hair. I took a few. They went quick so I am sure many people took a few. I wish I had the good sense to watch my fellow employees for signs of razoredness; smooth and silky arms and a peculiar way of walking. Think about it, you’ll get it. I am not explaining it.

Those razors were incredible. 5 blades. The 1st blade makes polite and mood-lifting conversation with the hairs to set them at ease. The 2nd blade sneeks up behind the hairs and covers their face with a rag covered in whatever that stuff is that makes people in old movies faint immediately. The 3rd blade is a trained ninja that cuts the hair off at the base using a sword that a noted swordsmith/sushi chef made for him. The 4th blade keeps an eye out for intruders and occassionally video tapes the action to post on his youtube page. The 5th blade caresses the skin around the hair follicle and sings softly as the follicles awake from their unconscious state.

I think the next samples are going to be allergy meds and stool softeners. That’s a blog waiting to happen.

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Posted August 31, 2011 by john b in oh ssstop

My Dream 8/29/2011   Leave a comment

You know how sometimes you are awakened in the am and you were in the middle of a dream? That was me this morning. I feel that it is worth telling. It was short but memorable.

I was in my bank. There is a circular high-counter in the middle of the room. This is where one might fill out their deposit slip or perform other activities requiring a little bit of countertop and a writing utensil.

In my dream I was using that round counter to help a large rodent open a checking account. I am not sure how I was convinced, but at some specific point I was told that I should open an account for him and it seemed logical. I faintly remember that there were other rodents that held accounts at that bank so it seemed appropriate that my friend have one as well. So, I carried him to the counter and asked him for his account number. Yes I know that I said he was opening an account but for some reason, in this dream, it was correct to ask him for the number. I was wakened during the process of getting it from him. We had tried a simple “I ask and he tells” method but that was silly because rodents don’t speak. When I asked he gave me a look of condescending.

So we moved on to other methods. We were going with blinks when I was interrupted. I said, “first number?” and he didn’t blink which obviously meant it was a zero. I asked, “2nd number? and he didn’t blink so I knew that also was a zero. When I asked for the 3rd number he blinked 5 times so I said “five” and he nodded.

Day light. Dream over.

I felt good because I knew that not many people would have helped him. I will be honest–when I was holding him I did worry a little about him biting me but that would have been obviously counter-productive to his predicament. Confession: I typed bighting, and then corrected myself.

It was one of those feel-good dreams. You wake up in a great mood. It feels good to help those in need.

JB

Posted August 29, 2011 by john b in Uncategorized

The Brave Turkey Vulture   1 comment

Have you ever seen turkey vultures? They are usually in groups of at least 2 or 3. They are huge, and from a distance they look like wild turkeys, but up close you can see that they are nasty, ugly vulture-birds. They eat dead animals.

I was driving on Bank St. Road heading into Batavia. I came around the big S-curve, up the hill and round the bend when I saw at least 6 of the ugly things in the road. A fox had been hit and killed on the road a couple of days ago. Apparently word had spread among the buzzards that there was a buffet being served to all who wanted it. A couple of the birds were in the road and a few were just off to the side on the other side of the line, almost on the shoulder.

All of the birds took off. Except one. This one didn’t move. It was just far enough to the side to be out of the way of my car, but extremely close. It was close enough that it surprised me that it didn’t move.

Why didn’t it move? Why did it stay on the side and risk it’s life?

Maybe it wanted to prove something. He was sick of the other TBs talking down at him. If he didn’t move things would be different. They would see that he was brave. Inside he was sick with fear but he stayed. It probably didn’t help his stomach that he just ate the fox’s face. Partially he was frozen with fear but partially he wanted to be braver than the rest. They would respect him then. They would talk nicer to him and include him.

Maybe he had been there before. There was that time he had been on the side of the road eating and was busy pulling at a piece of carrion. He didn’t see the car til the last second. By that time it was too late. The car whizzed by narrowly missing him. The wind almost knocked him off his feet but he stayed up. That it was a close call. This time he figured the car passing would do just that–it would pass by. While everyone else scattered and then tried to get back in the meal–he would stay and have his choice of the parts. He wouldn’t have to eat any more faces. There is hardly any meat on a face. It’s like eating a rabbit’s ankle.

I dunno.

Posted August 29, 2011 by john b in Uncategorized

Hockey 2 (after the first skate of the year   Leave a comment

This is how I cope. I am so sore today. Thursday night was the first pickup hockey skate of the year for me. We played for over an hour with pretty much no subs. Yesterday (Friday) I started my I.V. drip of NOS. I wasn’t that sore yesterday. Tired yes, but not in pain. That all changed overnight. Now it is Saturday and now I am in pain. Lots of pain.

I work out. I train hard. It is a reasonable question when Sarah wonders why I am “getting my legs back” when I have been training them all summer. The answer is that though I keep them strong and fast, I can’t help the muscle that are skating-specific. Like all the muscles surrounding my private parts. We use these a lot when skating. Apparently I don’t work my groin that hard in the off season. Today I feel like I started a new job yesterday that requires that I crush coconuts between my legs all day.

But NOS you are my friend. You are tasty and packed with caffeine. Really I doubt that it helps at all but the day after a hard workout I am usually hungry and lethargic. The NOS helps the lethargy.

Oh and if you are wondering how I did Thursday night–I was ok. Better than I expected. Just gotta keep working on my feet. They are sloppy in the beginning. Gonna skate again next Thurs and then the following Wednesday (7th) is my Men’s League Evaluation Skate.

JB

Posted August 27, 2011 by john b in Uncategorized

Unspoken Prayer Request   Leave a comment

I received a text last night that was not unlike some texts I have received before. I should apologize in advance for this post. I think the subject matter is funny so I will go ahead and post it, and let me say that I respect the idea and the text question. Let me explain…

The text was a request for prayer. This is not uncommon among religious folk. But when I asked what the person wanted prayer for they responded with, “unspoken”. Let me explain that to those of you that might not be familiar with christian lingo. An unspoken prayer request means that someone wants you to pray for them but they are embarrassed by the concern that they have. Sometimes it is a feeling of guilt that they are dealing with, and sometimes it is just an uncomfortable situation.

But here is MY take on the whole thing. It is uncomfortable to talk to Someone on behalf of someone and have no idea what you are talking about. “Um, hi God… I um have to talk to you. What’s that? Uh… No. I don’t know what about. So and So is having a hard time I guess, or maybe they have a reocurring bunion. Seriously God I am not sure what this is about. Could you just take care of whatever it is? Thanks a bunch”.

See? Thats awkward. So I came to a conclusion…

If you ask me to pray for you, and you will not be specific as to what the concern is, then I reserve the right to imagine whatever the issue is and pray accordingly. Whats that? You have a “need”? What is it? Unspoken? Ok then… in that case.

Dear God, So and So needs me to talk to you. I think he has a problem with eating chalk and just doesn’t want me to know. So, if you could maybe change his taste buds so that chalk actually tastes like chalk to him instead of something yummy–that would be great. Thanks a bunch. Oh wait… Y’know on second thought… maybe it isn’t a chalk problem. I saw him scratching his elbow yesterday so maybe he is dealing with a rash. I bet that’s it. God please make his itchy rash go away. And for some reason I just thought of puppies. I bet he wants a puppy! Not sure why he didn’t just say that though. Maybe he thinks puppies aren’t masculine. I like puppies though. You don’t think he wants a poodle do you? Well since I’m the one doing the praying… please provide him with a cool rotweiler puppy. That doesn’t pee when I go over to play video games with him. Ok I think that’s all. So just to recap–if you could take care of the chalk thing, the rash, and the puppy I would be very appreciative. Well, he would be appreciative. I really don’t care that much about the whole thing. Ok thanks. JB

Posted August 26, 2011 by john b in oh ssstop, Uncategorized

the crazy guy (rated pg-13 for yicky language)   Leave a comment

I went on break from the YMCA about an hour ago, stopped at Southside Deli for a little bag of bbq Dirty Chips and a beverage, and headed over to the ice rink. I sat in my car and listened to WGR550 sports radio to hopefully catch a little talk about the Sabres. After a few mins of chipping and sipping I went into the rink to ask about some stuff.

I came outside and as I was getting into my car I heard a loud “HEY”. It was a little guy walking towards me. I have seen him around town; always walking. He had one hand in his pocket as he approached. This made me a tad bit nervous. Not really nervous though, lets just say I was wary. I watched his hand and actually started thinking about what I would do if he pulled something grumpy out of his pocket. Let me explain a little…

There are many guys who walk around batavia. They are crazy. Seriously. Most of them get checks from the government and spend it on scratch-off tickets and beer. This guy was walking toward me from the direction of a less than stellar bar. And as he approached he said, “I’m not crazy”. Sane people rarely use that statement. This guy must have been told that he is crazy to think he had to make sure I knew he wasn’t. 

Well he wanted a ride to Batavia Downs Casino. I like to give people rides when I can. I have been blessed to have a car and many people don’t.

In the first 30 seconds of our drive from the rink to the Downs he divulged that he was not crazy, that he was a compulsive gambler, that he is crazy, that he was a drunk and had spent the day at the bar, that he was bulimic, and that he occassionally did drugs. At which point I asked if it was really a good idea that I was taking him to the casino.

So we talked. Or rather he talked. Non-stop. And he yelled out the window at a man walking. He yelled, “Hey don’t kiss him, he just blew me!” Then he laughed really loudly. And then mocked the guy for being white with white hair. At which point I wanted to say, “Well isn’t that the pot-smoker calling the kettle white”. I didn’t though.

We talked about the Buffalo Bills and how he was just in amazement that I don’t gamble. But then I said that I like playing poker occassionally. He then stated that he would rather spend his last 5 bucks on gambling instead of eating. He said that he was a hustler–that he made money by rooting through garbages for lottery tickets and checking them, and by asking for money lends and then not paying it back. Then he stated that he wasn’t a bad guy. To which I replied, “Yeah it sounds like you’re a bad guy”. He kinda laughed.

I was amazed at how comfortable he was. He just jumped into my car and crossed his legs and started talking.

When he said he was crazy I asked how long he had been crazy. Did he have a job before? Did something happen that made him snap? He said yes. 30 years earlier he had married a girl and she ended up leaving him and marrying his best man. I didn’t know whether to believe that or not so I asked what his best man’s name was. He said he didn’t remember. AHA! You don’t remember your best man’s name? His reply was, “If your lady left you for your friend would you want to remember it or forget it”? He was right. I was speechless. I would want to forget it all. So did he.

He is a really small guy. His front teeth are missing and if you forget that he reminds you every time he produces that huge laugh.

Now I am torn. I gave a guy a ride so I thought I was doing something good. But I took a compulsive gambler, drinker, shoutoutthewindower, drug user to the casino where he could further his lifestyle. But I got this blog out of it. Win/maybe win.

Posted August 25, 2011 by john b in Uncategorized

My Zombie Apocalypse Team   1 comment

Before you read this blog it is a suggested prerequisite that you watch at least 2 zombie films. My favs are Zombieland and 28 days(?). I am not sure if that is the right one. It either is, or 28 days is a film starring Sandra Bullock and is about rehab. The one I mean is starring the guy from RedEye and Dark Knight. I can NEVER remember his name. Oh also you can watch the series (Ithink its on TNT or TBS) I think its called The Walking Dead. Ok back to Zombies…

So assuming you have  familiarized yourself with the Zombie Apocalypse idea we can proceed. I would first like to thank Alan Worthington for the idea. The idea is to take the top 7 friends shown on your facebook profile and they are, by default, your Zombie Apocalypse Team. They are listed on the left side of your profile. The list rotates by itself, well at least mine does. So the list might not be the same each time you log in. Anyway… They have specific roles that I will expalin. Expalin? I didn’t mean to type that. I was going for explain. Is an expalin like one of the palins that defects? I am going to stay away from political stuff here so let us just leave that alone. OK, here we go…

 1 – Sidekick. This one I like very much. My first friend listed is Sarah cuz I am in a relationship with her and I would very much like to have her as my sidekick. If Sarah is my number one then Andie Wahls is my #7. But we will get to that.

2 – Heavy Weapons. Rand Fisher. I am so pumped to have him as my Heavy Weapons man. The reaso? Cuz Rand has heavy weapons. And loves them. And is more than capable of shooting zombies accurately. Even people that are slightly zombies. And zombie pets. And grumpy people. “Dude, I swear I thought he was a zombie”! “Rand, he was hungry”. The problem is that I also need a sniper and I would like Rand for that too but hey I don’t make the rules.

3 – The only one that survives. Joann Hayes. This is strangely appropriate. I believe this would be true.

4 – Sniper. Ryan Clark. Ok that makes me happy. I trust Ryan to be a good sniper, and have my back, and wash my back.  

5 – The One That Loses It. David Tran. Hahahahahahahahaaaaaa. Whew! Sorry that is funny. Dave is a sweet guy that helped me learn to skate backwards. He is a ninja and does nails. He also is a stud fireman.

6 – The Brains. Anthony Hoisington. I had glanced over at the list beofre I started this and wondered where Anth would end up. I feel like this is a good choice. I think Anth can get into the head of a zombie. He can think like one, plan like one, eat like one, and then Rand would shoot him like one.

7 – And here we are at #7. The First To Die. Andie Wahls. I don’t know what to say about this one. I am wondering why she would get picked off first. She has a loud laugh. Maybe we would be sneaking past some zombies and she would laugh and then we would be chased and Joann Hayes would trip her. Probably.

So there you have it! Thats my Zombie Apocalypse team! I feel good about this crew. I have my love as my sidekick and the rest of them are awesome peeps to be runnin with!

Posted August 24, 2011 by john b in Uncategorized