Archive for May 2012

That’s Not Candy!   Leave a comment

Have any of you eaten these things? I did when I was a small child. I guess they looked cool back then, so I tried them. I have never eaten them since. How does the Necco company stay in business? The only people that buy these are people that have never bought them before! There is no way you would purchase them twice. You can get the same effect as buying a box of chalk, and dipping them in Cool Aid. Have fun with that. 

A lot of candy has changed over the years. I still look forward to Easter time, or rather 3 months before Easter when the Easter candy comes out. Right around Thanksgiving I think. I have always purchased one Cadbury Cream Egg every year since I was a little kid when they cost a quarter. Roughly 30 years ago.

I remember reading the Little House On the Prairie books, and when she (Laura Ingles-Wilder) wrote about Christmas she wrote about getting an orange. Tropical fruit wasn’t as easily accessed as it is today. I like fruit. It is nature’s candy.

Think about Christmas songs that speak of treats and desserts and candies that are made from fruit. “Bring me some figgy pudding”? Who the heck wants figgy pudding? I don’t mind Fig Newtons but ONLY if cookies with chocolate, and or frosting, and Oreos are not available!

But back to my original question… how the heck is the Necco corporation still in business? Is there some secret society made up of millions of members that I don’t know about who use those things as currency? And if so, what flavor is worth the most? That question will haunt me. I would join the society just to find out the currency system, but I would launch a revolution if I found out some lame flavor like banana or rootbeer is worth more than a penny. In fact, you should have to combine a rootbeer and a banana just to equal a penny.

Rootbeer candy. That’s another thing that has kind of gone away. Candy that tastes like soda is dumb. Why would you ruin soda? Oh never mind, I get it. Mom says no soda so you buy soda-flavored candy to protest. Good move. I like your style.

Do you remember Bottle Caps candy? Those were like Necco Wafers except they TASTED GOOD. I always liked getting a red one that was tangy flavored. Ok why am I craving swedish fish?! Gotta hand it to the Swedes! They invented chefs, fish, and meatballs. Or at least perfected them.   

Necco must be responsible for the idea of putting chocolate chips in cookies. If they get a cut of all that profit then maybe that offsets the losses from making candy out of a combination of chalk dust, dirt, and lint from around and on the top of toilets.

Posted May 31, 2012 by john b in oh ssstop

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Disclaimer? I Barely Know Her!   Leave a comment

It’s about time I offered a disclaimer for my blog. Looooong overdue.

This blog is not intended to diagnose or treat any disease or infirmity (other than thoughtlessness and general disregard for the feelings/condition of others).

The views and opinions expressed here are not necessarily the opinions of my sponser. I have no sponser. If you disagree with the opinions expressed here then you are probably dumb and smelly so it is best not to let people know that.

As always, if you experience an erection lasting longer than 6 hours please see a physician.

6 hours? Really? 6 hours is alarming but 3 hours isn’t?!

Side effects may include a variety of feelings including but not limited to hunger, disgust, repulsion (or just pulsion if it is your first time), amusement, musement, longing, belonging, being, hopelessness, hopefullness, lessness, fullness…

Thats all for now!

Rereading The Hobbit as soon as I can to prepare for the upcoming movie. Favorite story as a kid. Time to revisit it!

Favorite new song… (The Panic Division- The Miracle in You)

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H61xWR9lA-Q

Fantasy dream job – Cat Hunting

Fantasy dream part-time job – Owner of JB’s Zombie Hunting Charter Service

Ok, Who Brought the Jerk?!   Leave a comment

Church sports. Soooo confusing. I admit, I carry quite a few feelings of guilt just from playing church volleyball.

When you attend a “church” sport, what exactly is the objective? Let me throw out a few thoughts that might be helpful in figuring this out.

A church is a place that SHOULD be completely accepting of people. It should be a judgement free area while not compromising moral standards. Loving each other is a must, not an option.

But when sports are introduced…

From my perspective: How do you play your best but not expect the best out of others. How do you try to play hard but not really care if you win?

You see, that is the attitude you kind of have to take. As a competitive guy I attack all sports with intensity. I want to do my best. I attach winning to my intensity otherwise I don’t have much of a reason to do my best. I am trying to contribute to the highest degree possible. But, what to do with my team mates that are not good or don’t really care?

I honestly think that I am the one who has to give. Not them.

We set up a weekly volleyball night years ago. There were a few people who came to play because they wanted something fun to do with the group of people we had. And there were some poeple who came who wanted to play volleyball and win. Those people, the wannabewinners, ruined it for the others. I was one of the wannabees.

You are going to hate me after reading this next part…

There was this one girl who came. And she usually brought food. And she was terrible at volleyball. When she played she always hit the ball overhand. I know I know! Terrible right?! Sheesh, how crazy can a girl be? So we would tell her, “Keep your arms down, and bump the ball upwards so it will go up and over, or one of your team mates can get to it if they need to”. The ball would come to her and she would pound it sideways into a wall or at the floor or into the shoulder of the person next to her. Yeah I know what you are thinking right about now… John, how did you manage to keep your calm? You are obviously a martyr to have put up with this kind of insanity! Yeah, i’m pretty much a saint.

Nope. I am not a saint.

I told her again- keep your arms down and bump it upwards.

Then, as she kept pounding the ball out of play, I started to not disguise my look of disgust with her. Then wouldn’t look at her.

You know what she needed? A little practice. That was all. She did practice, and got better, and then didn’t want to play with us. I don’t blame her.

So again I ask, in regards to church sports; what is your objective?

I sometimes forget that I really love sports of ANY kind. Seriously. And I love hanging out with people. Isn’t that enough?

4 years ago, at the age of 33, I decided to take up hockey for the first time. I was the worst player there every time I showed up to play. I play now on an upper level roller team and I am still the worst player. I have gotten way better, but when it comes down to do or die I am not the one that is out on the floor in the last minutes of the game.

There are a couple of guys who accepted me as I was and worked with me and encouraged me. And there were 15 other guys who were audibly disgusted with me. If I gave up and succombed to the embarrassment I would not be playing now. I adore hockey. I love everything about it. I am built for hockey. I am very grateful to Joe, and Fitzy, and M. Smitty, and Brennan for their help.

I think that it is far more important to preserve the happiness of individuals when they just want to be there. They just want to play and be a part of the group, to contribute and be of value in some way. It is a heartbreaking thing to let the score of a game that will never matter get in the way of that person’s feelings.

I learned a lot from that girl. I hurt her feelings badly. I know this because she told me. I worked hard to restore my credibility with her and to encourage her. But ultimately she decided it wasn’t worth coming. I give her credit for showing up and playing all while knowing she could barely play.

If you need to compete, join a competitive league. If you want to socialize within the context of a sport, join a church sport.

I happen to know now, years later, that it is possible for me to try my hardest and dive to save a ball going out of bounds, only to have my team mate pound it out of play and then giggle about it, and still enjoy all of it. It just doesn’t matter. 

Church sports are about: volleyball at sunset (and missing the ball cuz you were watching the deer in the field nearby); bonfires; playing alongside the people who never got to play in school; hanging out afterwards, before, and during. They are about laughing, not disgusted looks.

Posted May 16, 2012 by john b in philosofickle

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Treadmills are Magical Mystical Things   Leave a comment

Treadmills are magical. You see, what most people don’t know is that there is a huge difference between walking, and walking on a treadmill. Only walking on a treadmill burns calories. Walking in general is like driving a car. Your body knows you are simply walking to get to a destination and so your body disengages the part of you that burns calories and helps weightloss. Only on a treadmill can your steps actually burn calories and make you leaner.

I hope you know all of that stuff I just wrote is the equivilent of sweat from camel’s rump.

For some reason people think that only on a treadmill is weightloss/exercise possible. Take for instance the guy who just pulled up to the door of the gym I work at and asked if he could park there instead of parking in the lot across the street (or on the street roughly 100 feet away). He said he just wanted to use a treadmill for 20 minutes. I did my best to disguise my YouAreAnIdiotOfEpicProportions look, and said, “Oh definitely not. There are mothers coming and going, picking up kids from preschool and dropping kids off for programs. They need these spots so they don’t have to walk across the street carrying infants.”

He wanted to park by the door so he wouldn’t have to walk a couple hundred feet to the door. All so he could use a treadmill… to walk on. At this very moment he is walking on a treadmill. Walking.

If you want to start losing weight, and you are in very bad condition, do you know what many health professionals will give you? I pedometer. It counts how many steps you take in a day. Steps. As in WALKING.

Every time you move you burn calories. You want to lose weight? Burn more calories. You know one of the easiest ways to burn calories? Walk. Every chance you get. Up stairs. Down stairs. Across the street. Across the parking lot. In fact, park a little further away from any door you want to get to. Let the decrepid people have the close spots.

Just think if you walk while carrying 20 lbs in groceries! Whoa let’s not get carried away! You aren’t actually serious about losing weight and being healthy are you? No, I honestly don’t think you are. Prove it to me, or better yet prove it to you.

Posted May 14, 2012 by john b in oh ssstop

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Knock Knock! If I don’t answer, then maybe…   Leave a comment

I work at a gym. There are some interesting people here. Interesting? Not sure if that is the best word for these people. It could be the best word depending on your perspective. Entertaining? Sometimes scary? Sometimes repugnant? I get 2 points for the use of the word repugnant.

There is this one guy at my gym (no, its not the huge musclehead guy that growls, and belches, and flexs his muscles at the wall fan, and wears daisy dukes with loafers, and makes me play classic rock on tha radio all the time, no its not him) that comes in every day and wants me to weigh him. Sounds kind of reasonable right? No. No it is not reasonable. You see, he doesn’t really care. He isn’t dieting or working out. He comes to the Y and says hi to people and then I have to weigh him.

Some days it is just fine. Some days I say hi and goof around with him. Some days I hide behind some piece of workout machinery til he goes away, or I pretend to be intently helping someone who doesn’t actually know that I am standing near them pretending like I am helping them.

Today I was in my office on facebook  doing the deposits for the last 3 days. My door was closed. I could hear his voice through my door say to a nearby member, “Is John here?”

“Yes he is in his office”.

“Oh, the door is closed. Why is the door closed?”

“Oh no reason”

Knock knock. I took about 2 seconds trying to decide what to do. I had money all over my desk. He walks in. I stop him and tell him I am busy and will let him know when I am free.

After I was done with the deposit I went to get him, and weighed him, and kind of scolded him in a non-scoldish way. I told him that if my door is shut it is because I am either doing the deposit or I am in an appointment.

Sometimes I have to check a person’s body-fat percentage. I use pinchers (calipers). It sucks for everyone involved. I have had it done. Let me tell you, there is a certain awkwardness to having someone you barely know grab your fluff and pinch it and tell you how much fluff you have. It is kind of invasive. So privacy is important.

He is kind of special. He was in an accident years ago. It left him with physical issues and I think mental issues as well. His memory is pretty bad. And whatever it is internally that tells a person to knock first and then don’t just walk in, well that is broken.

Favorite music at the moment: The Panic Division

Worst song ever to make it to radio: Angel is a Centerfold

Posted May 13, 2012 by john b in Uncategorized

Honey-Crisp Apples   2 comments

I feel like a sucker.

Not the candy kind. Like when you fool someone. I have been fooled. Duped. Suckered.

I am in love with Honey Crisp apples. If you have never tried them, don’t. An HC apple will ruin all other apples for you. You won’t want any other kind after tasting the crisp tart sweet yumminess of an HC. I bought three of them yesterday. For $6. SIX DOLLARS!! What. The. Heck.

You see… after having HC apples for a while I stopped buying apples for a few months. Then I went back to buy more but I just couldn’t bring myself to pay $3 per pound for an apple. So I bought Gala apples for $2 per pound. Eh. I have bought a bunch of different kinds but then I came to my senses, hiked up my britches, then unhiked my britches that were then up in my business, and bought the HCs. 3 apples for $6.

Is an apple worth $2? Doesn’t seem like it. But really, when you reason it out, it might just be worth it. I pay more than $2 for my morning 16oz NOS. And that 16oz of eyeball-opening-orangy-caffeiny-nectar of the gods is terrible for me. And you. But an apple… an apple is GREAT for me!

I put peanut butter on mine. I slice an apple up and put PB on the slices. Truly it is one of my favorite things to eat. So… 2 bucks? I guess it really IS worth it. But for fruit? Isn’t it funny what I will pay money for chocolate chip mini muffins, or beverages, or a cheesy gordita crunch, or  _________, but spending $2 for an apple makes my heiny pucker. It shouldn’t, but it does.

Those Honey Crisp apples ruined me. This is why I will never try expensive bottled water. Seriously, what would happen to me if water was ruined for me?

I mean, do I really want to spend 3 or 4 bucks per bottle of water that tastes like water? I bet it doesn’t. I bet if I try expensive bottled water I will find out that regular ol’ water really tastes like it was filtered through an old shoe just worn on an august afternoon, then used to soak a pair of gym shorts, then rung out into the dirty hands of a gorilla that just threw his own poo at his buddy gorilla that ticked him off cuz he acted like a gorilla, and then that water ran out of his pooey hands and into a bottle. And I drank it. Why did I drink it?

I drank it cuz I didn’t know better. I didn’t know I could buy water that is the tears of an angel that cried for joy when a baby angel was born. And the tears were then showered over the baby and collected in a tub. And then used to wash the face of David Beckham and his wife that spice girl that needs to eat something soon. And then the tears were bottled up and blessed by a man who can levitate (but i think it is a trick. he must be sitting on something. why doesn’t he ever levitate from a  standing position? And why do guys that can supposedly levitate always have to be from far off, really poor countries. They are always in a tent, with candles, dimly lit, on a cheap video. and always from sitting indian-style position.) and then sold to people who dont want to drink water that was shoe and gorilla filtered. nope. that’s not for me.

So if you want to never settle for any other apple, go get a Honey Crisp apple.

 

Posted May 13, 2012 by john b in oh ssstop

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I Broke My Best Fred   Leave a comment

I am a trainer at the YMCA in Batavia. Ok, I know you all know that, but every time I start a blog I like to tell myself that someone new is going to read it and maybe they don’t know me. So there.

Anyway, I was working one day and my friend Fred rolled in to lift legs. That was a joke. Fred’s last name is Roll. Fred rolled. Get it? Thats how Fred Rolls? When he gets old and fat I will say he has Fred rolls. OH OH! He should open a bakery and call it Fred Rolls! Sorry, I will stop now.

SO yeah he came in and I proceeded to put him through a leg workout. And his knee dislocated. And I took him to the hospital. And he has to get surgery. And I cried. Well I didn’t cry but I felt bad. And guys DO cry so it isn’t that crazy of a thought to think that I cried. Sheesh you guys are so judgemental. But I didn’t cry. Much.

To be honest Fred has had a problem with his knees for quite some time. This wasn’t the first time it happened to him. Or the 2nd. Or even the 3rd.

He found out that what he suffers from is kind of a common condition…

for young athletic girls.

Yep, Fred has the knees of a 12 year old female soccer player. Or “sockist” as they are commonly referred to in my own mind and probably nowhere else.

Let me be fair to Fred. Imagine the Greek warrior Achilles. Amazing warrior that pretty much can’t be beat other than his achilles heel. Ironic huh? I mean, what are the chances of that right? Well Fred is Achilles.

Fred has it going for him. He is a big muscular attractive guy. Extremely attractive. Extreeeeem… um. uh… well yeah, he is pretty good looking. If you are into that sort of thing.

Guys are jealous of him. Believe me. You should see the drama in my gym because guys can’t just keep from comparing their… um… muscles.

So when God was making him He gave him exceptional biceps, and chest, and other great stuff. But… when He got to his knees He found that all He had left was a pair that came out of the 12yr-old-girl bin. Its only fair really.

Kind of funny though because now at the gym we have an excuse. If I am not doing well at an exercise I can just say its cuz God gave me the Vastus Lateralis of a pre-teen bieber-luvin chick named danielle.

And when Fred is feeling fiesty and dogs me cuz he can bench a Fiat and I can only bench the equivalent of a small bag of cat food I can say, “Oh yeah? Well at least my knees don’t break when I look at a set of stairs!” At which point I run. Up some stairs. I heard that if a bear is chasing you, you are supposed to run downhill. Apparently bears can’t run downhill very well. Well if a Fred is chasing you then you should run uphill. The steeper the better.

Posted May 9, 2012 by john b in oh ssstop

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