A Drive, A Moon, A Thought   Leave a comment

You know how sometimes a thought sticks with you? It rests below the surface and occupies your quiet moments. Since quiet moments are few it is not always there, but it is persistent enough. Then, something waters it and causes it to grow enough to poke through the surface and into view for others… in a comment or blog or casual conversation.

And so it happened that I was driving home, and the quiet night, with the largest moon I can ever remember, nudged me into thought, and then into writing.

What do we know? What do we believe that we know? Or, what is it that we believe that we know and are so quick to tell or not tell at all. I don’t mean to be ambiguous. What I am getting at is actually pain and suffering.

People that are christians, or are otherwise religious, believe in God, or a god, but when something tragic happens those same people might decide that they don’t believe in God after all. Which is kind of confusing because if God exists, and you believe that, and then you decide that he doesn’t exist, then it might be that you are choosing to not believe when in fact you do belive but you are angry because God is not who you thought He is. He did not live up to your expectations. But that is another thought entirely.

I am speaking of foundations. You see, to believe in a God, makes you see everything a certain way. That belief dictates your standards and morals and world view, and even the way you are to other people. It is a foundation to your life. The same can be said of the belief that there is no God. That is a foundation as well. That foundation is what your whole of thinking, and believing, and acting is built upon. To say or act otherwise is to go about your life without looking down at your intellectual, spiritual, and moral supports. And that is my real point. It is not enough to believe something. How do you KNOW that you believe what it is that you believe that you believe?

What is your foundation? Do you even know? CAN you even know? I think you can. You know how you find out? A flood. A raging flood… of pain. Of anguish. Of hurt that bends you to near breaking. The thing that happens that makes you look up and say “why?” Why would this happen? How could You let this happen? If You are real, and You cared, this would not be.

Those moments, in an instance, wash away all that is not deeply rooted. Everything that is a decoration of your everyday life is gone: sports, food, facebook, phone, tv, work, coffee, cookies… everything. What is left?

Your foundation.

Do you have one? And is it what you thought is was? Is it strong or will it wash away and be crushed among the the things?

I think (and I wish I could write this with the smallest text that whispers the words from the page to you so that you would know how cautiously I want to say this)  that those moments are the most invaluable moments of our lives.

How can you know who you are without those moments? What do you believe? I don’t think I can answer that question honestly without going through a flood. Or 2.

Why this thought John?

I have been dreading one of those moments that I speak of. It is coming and I cannot stop it. I think about it often and wonder how I will act. How I will respond.

Yesterday morning I got out of bed and looked into the living room of my house. I could see my dad on the couch slumped to one side, napping.

My dad is in his 70’s. He has smoked since his teenage years and still does. He has hernias that need surgery but he will not go back and get them done because he did that before and sitting in a hospital doing nothing for days is not an option. So he wears the support belt they gave him and just goes about his days.

How much more time do I have with him? A couple of years at very best? Tomorrow only?

He was napping it seemed. I walked up to him and watched his chest to see it rise and fall with breath. It didn’t rise. In the next second my thoughts turned to the house. How would I pay for the mortgage? How would I care for my retarded younger sister? How would I even go to work for the next day? Week? Weeks? And then not pay my bills.

That second passed and his chest rose and then fell with another breath.

We all get those moments. Are they times for blame? For learning? For seeking, or casting away? All of the above?


Posted June 6, 2012 by john b in philosofickle

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