Archive for the ‘oh ssstop’ Category

you have to laugh…   Leave a comment

i never truly the understood the phrase “I had to laugh…” Or, “you gotta laugh…” usually people use those when they are starting to tell an anecdote.

to be honest, i had never really thought about the phrase before. today i realized why it is important to laugh. i mean think about it. someone is telling you that you HAVE or HAD to laugh. i have no other choice? sometimes a person does some thing so peculiar that you will laugh. you have no choice in the matter; you WILL laugh. whether you want to or not.

but sometimes i HAVE to laugh cuz if i don’t, someone gets a beating. the choice is laugh or react with swift violence.


Posted June 3, 2013 by john b in oh ssstop

Way too much – Way too soon.   1 comment

new members at the Ymca are like chocolates. you never know how crazy they are until you bite them.

so he joined the y. as he was getting his tour of the building i was introduced. he wants to be an mma fighter. ok well that means lots of working out. i can help with that. we made an appointment to work out the following day. introduction+brief discussion=5 minutes.

the following day…
in walks dude ready for a workout.
me: hey gimme 5 minutes, i’m changing some stuff in your routine before we start.
dude: no prob! …so last night one of my biggest fantasies came true…
me: (in my head) oh please, please let this be about food, or sports, or anything, just don’t be what i think it might be.
dude: i had a 3some. they are still in my bed. i wish i was still at home.
me: God… why? seriously, why? no really God, im bein’ f’realz. why? is this a lesson? a practical joke? is this payback? did sarah ask you do dink me cuz i play call of duty a lot? it is, isn’t it? i will change. i can be a better man. just please make him go away! let me wake up now and be at home. i will throw open the window and yell to passing kids and buy turkeys for poor people.
dude: i’m ready to workout!
me: sigh… ok.

we proceeded to put him through his workout. it lasted 45 minutes. he made 3 sexual references. they were dependent on which body part we were exercising. then he would giggle maniacally. i felt dirty after the appointment. i wanted to pour bleach in my ears. and down his throat.

so today he came in again. not to workout. just to talk. to hang. to get my phone number. to be my best friend. know how i know? cuz he told me that he told one of his 2 ladies (the one he “cares” about) that the best part about the Y is that the trainers really want to help you and you should be friends with your trainer. so he invited me to hang out.

i don’t really care if you are into 3somes, or 4somes. i personally prefer awesomes. with my wife.

Posted January 4, 2013 by john b in oh ssstop

The Best Wedding Yet   Leave a comment

my friend brennan (lover of manly things like hockey and beer and drums and good music) married his friend tara (lover of manly things like brennan) sunday. i was in the wedding. to date, it was the best wedding. i have a lot of reasons why. in fact, you can’t really argue with me as to whether or not it was actually the best wedding because i will offer reasons and facts and you will be wrong, and shamed. don’t believe me? well here are some of the reasons why it was the best…

brennan married tara

tara married brennan (bren and i are close–so she actually married both of us but she doesnt know that yet… i dont think. she will soon though)

they were married at northgate fmc and pastor andy did the ceremony

anth (singer/songwriter/worship leader/hockey buddy/softball captain/father to 2 awesome boys/maintainer of good looks with less hair than the average head of hair holds #hardtodo), sang this song by dustin kensrue

pretty much the best song ever written

just to recap so far… the best 2+ people, married in the best church, by the best pastor, to the best song = best wedding.

not convinced huh? ok i have more

the weather was just about 80 with a breeze

justin michau did the photography as you can see, justin can operate a camera much like a marine sniper operates a rifle

the reception was at becker farms  and becker is only one letter less than beckler, which is the best name ever. 

they had a build-your-own-loaded-baked-potato table

they also had a build-your-own-taco table

they ALSO had a build-your-own-burger table. with endless bacon

brennan’s bro was home from the army to be his best man

AND… i got to enjoy the reception with my lady sarah (lover of manly things – me/ blogger of sweet bloggings/crafter of crafty things)

if you aren’t convinced by now- you are crazy and obviously biased and may have suffered a head injury recently or maybe even not recently but you should prolly get that checked in case you have a concussion cuz im pretty sure you have permanent damage

Posted July 10, 2012 by john b in oh ssstop

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June 27 – A perfect day for asparagus   Leave a comment

well it is blog time again. i don’t really have any one thing that will be the theme of this blog. i have had a few things tickle my fancy lately (my friends know that i have an extremely ticklish fancy). and well, my friend nick mieney is dogging me to write so here is my blog in nick’s honor.

yesterday i went grocery shopping and realized something about myself. i can be thinking- “gee whiz im in a great mood cuz i found everything i was looking for in the store and the sun is shining and for the first time in my life i actually think some babies are cute and i cant wait to tear into this pomegranate greek yogurt”, then go the self checkout section (i am very independent to the point of offending people that try to be helpful), and lose my good mood in seconds. so i can be in the amazingly good mood, but when i scan that first item, and am putting it in the bag, and the computer voice tells me to put it in the bag not even a second after i have scanned it… i swear i cant control the expression my face makes. i reeeeeaaaallly want to smash that stupid machine.

seriously i need to work on that stuff.  i get derailed pretty easy some times. the problem is the primer to that situation. you know when you walk up to the self checkout area (no i am not talking about the mirrors by the dumbells at the Y where the guys check out themselves, i am referring to the machines at Tops) and there are a couple of people waiting, but as I am standing about 3 people back i realize that one of the 6 checkout machines is actually open but the person at the front of the line hasn’t noticed yet. ok sorry, that was the longest, worst sentence ever written.

but yeah, the checkout is wide open but the person hasnt noticed. so that is the first test. i usually pass that test rather easily. i over-ride my natural instinct to roll up a nearby magazine and hit them in the back of the head. no i am not cruel. i wouldn’t use a cosmo mag. i would grab a slightly thinner and lighter mag-rag that has a cover claiming that tom cruise is having an affair with a time-travelling fan from 2025 who saw the Mission Impossible movies and liked them (but doesnt like Vanilla Sky at all and wonders why he made it but still loves him enough to travel back in time and have an affair with him).

 so yeah, i kind of chuckle off the clueless shopper and step up to the next free checkout machine. then i scan my first item and the voice says “please put the item in the bag” before i can get it into the bag. instant sour mood. like using a sour patch kid for a suppository. you know, those super-sour candies that make your eyes flutter and half close and your cheeks quiver.

i am still generally in a good mood most all of the time. i love the summer. my thing is that when i lose that good mood, cuz i got irked, it usually brings out a rather extreme response from me.

lately i have been thinking a little more violently. i hope this blog isn’t used as evidence later after i have gone postal and people say this was the first signs.

like, for instance… (oh ps, never start a sentence with “like, for instance”)  

i think that politicians that obstruct items that would be for the good of the country, but are not from their party or would otherwise not serve them personally, should be shot for treason. im serious. the politicians we have now dont care about the country. they care about the advancement of their political party. we need an impartial board who reviews the actions of our government officials without knowing their names or party and determines whether their actions are selfish or without regard for the people. then the penalty is imprisonment or their legs. they can choose.

soccer players who flop on the ground, pretending to be hurt, should be trampled by all players still standing. or, upon video review by a panel of hockey players, they can be subjected to a beating by the opposing team.

so thats a couple of thoughts i’ve had recently. oh and i have been eating asparagus today, hence the title.


Posted June 27, 2012 by john b in oh ssstop, philosofickle

Insane Coworkers   Leave a comment

Well, I have been trying to keep smiling and be polite all day as my boss and coworkers do their best to drive me to the point of drowning myself in the drinking fountain. I have reached my blogging point. You know, the point where you simply must complain, so you go online, and since you are sick of people complaining on facebook you just blog cuz that is way more classy. riiiight.

At any rate, I though you all (and by all I mean the 5 of you that read this blog) might get a kick out of the text conversation I have been having with my boss.

First let me share the breaking point. It came when, during my insane text conversation with my other boss, my coworkers at the YMCA told me that I had to clean up the lockerroom because someone had left the steam-room door open and the steam had made the floor all wet. So the lady who is the maintenance person on duty gave me a mop and mop bucket full of hot soapy water. To clean up the water on the floor. Cuz everyone knows that if you add water to water it cancels itself out and becomes dry. What. The. Heck. REALLY? You want me to mop with water to make the water go away?! “Yes your honor, that is when I blogged.”

So here is the text conversation regarding me helping to deliver and set up an electric piano to a woman in Churchville. I will include all typos and weirdness. This is exactly as I received it.

Boss- is it possible to early to the piano tom am?thurs

Me- What time?

Boss- iyou could name rhe time..the ouano is here..upbox at the house..if you could go then i would call dean..anytime..i would pass on the other guy moving

Me- I could meet them there at ten

Boss- ok i will call him and see if  we line this up..i will let you know thanks

Me- Ok

Boss- ok dean can go..would like to meet dean at churchville at the ladys house and tell me the and i will have there with the piano

Me- Ok just text me the address when you have it

Boss- (Address) would that work best for you and what time could meet the guys with the pino on the truck at her

Me- Ten

Boss- are coming back to you think you should help the two guys load it on the truck and will ride with them..this will be a good paying gig

Me- It is in a box?

Boss- yes

Me- They can load it im sure. i wld rather just meet them. it wont take 3 guys to put it on the truck.

Boss- i could get some one to help on this end  what time to meet tou tom at the lahys house and i will confirm

Me- Ten

Boss- so what is the plan …you meet there or here  and what time

Me- If you really think we need 2 movers plus me to load a box then i will meet them at the store at 930 and go out from there. otherwise i will meet them at the house at ten am.

no answer yet.

Then the mopping begins and ends and the blog is written. I feel better now thank you! Well, until tomorrow when I have to deal with this all.


Posted June 13, 2012 by john b in oh ssstop

I will meet you half way. Or two 3rds. Or…   Leave a comment

Have you ever taken the time to learn something, or accomplish something, and have people ask you to show them or teach them, but you just know that they aren’t really serious?

I am not really awesome at anything. The few things that I have reached a degree of competancy in required a lot of work, and errors, and experimentation. One is the guitar, the other is fitness.

I don’t look exactly like I would like to, but I have been at it for a long time and have learned quite a bit both by design and by accident.

As far as the guitar goes… I have spent sooo many hours both sitting by myself and playing with others to become proficient as a musician.

So when someone comes along and asks me to show them, or teach them, or train them, or just get them to where I am at, but they don’t want to do any work… that kind of gets to me.

Athletic training is definitely one area that is rewarding to me, but it is also VERY frustrating. Very few people get fit and stay fit. Look around you. Most of the population is overweight and about a third of those people are obese. And that’s not even talking about the people who are weak or small and want to have muscles.

So when people come to me for training or advice, and I have seen no level of commitment from them, it is frustrating. I have given up an incredible amount of time to cook, research, lift, run, bike, walk, hockey, workout, study, supplement… its a big sacrifice. So when a person wants me to take time to train them, but they are not willing to even just go for a walk on their own… should I take them seriously?

Fitness is just movement. I’m serious. That is all it is. Just moving. If you want, just add resistance to your movement. Or move fast. Or a combination of fast and slow, with and without resistance. It isn’t magic. I have learned certain movements and can group movements together to achieve a certain goal, but if you want to lose weight then MOVE. You don’t need certain clothes or shoes. You just need to move.

By the way… here is some tough love for my friends: Lean is better looking than fat. It just is. No one EVER has said, “Wow! Did you see ____? He is a lot heavier and looks great!” Lean means you worked. Lean means commitment and determination. Fat means the opposite. If you want to be attractive and/or healthy, get lean. If you complain that you don’t have a girl/guy who calls you sugarlovemuffin, then get lean! There may be other issues but at least get that one out of the way!

And don’t wait to meet up with a trainer. Just move. Um… and stop eating that. You know what I am talking about.

The guitar… I don’t think I will ever give lessons for free. Free lessons means no commitment. That almost insures that I would be wasting my time. I need to see some level of dedication to learning, and some respect for the learning I have done. That’s fair isn’t it?

I LOVE to give advice or just talk with people about things like music, exercise, books, adjectives, or whatever! But I like to do those things with people who are motivated. There is nothing worse than being in a conversation and realizing that the conversation is just wasted time. That is a horrible feeling. If I have wasted your time in the past, I am sorry.

Posted June 6, 2012 by john b in oh ssstop

That’s Not Candy!   Leave a comment

Have any of you eaten these things? I did when I was a small child. I guess they looked cool back then, so I tried them. I have never eaten them since. How does the Necco company stay in business? The only people that buy these are people that have never bought them before! There is no way you would purchase them twice. You can get the same effect as buying a box of chalk, and dipping them in Cool Aid. Have fun with that. 

A lot of candy has changed over the years. I still look forward to Easter time, or rather 3 months before Easter when the Easter candy comes out. Right around Thanksgiving I think. I have always purchased one Cadbury Cream Egg every year since I was a little kid when they cost a quarter. Roughly 30 years ago.

I remember reading the Little House On the Prairie books, and when she (Laura Ingles-Wilder) wrote about Christmas she wrote about getting an orange. Tropical fruit wasn’t as easily accessed as it is today. I like fruit. It is nature’s candy.

Think about Christmas songs that speak of treats and desserts and candies that are made from fruit. “Bring me some figgy pudding”? Who the heck wants figgy pudding? I don’t mind Fig Newtons but ONLY if cookies with chocolate, and or frosting, and Oreos are not available!

But back to my original question… how the heck is the Necco corporation still in business? Is there some secret society made up of millions of members that I don’t know about who use those things as currency? And if so, what flavor is worth the most? That question will haunt me. I would join the society just to find out the currency system, but I would launch a revolution if I found out some lame flavor like banana or rootbeer is worth more than a penny. In fact, you should have to combine a rootbeer and a banana just to equal a penny.

Rootbeer candy. That’s another thing that has kind of gone away. Candy that tastes like soda is dumb. Why would you ruin soda? Oh never mind, I get it. Mom says no soda so you buy soda-flavored candy to protest. Good move. I like your style.

Do you remember Bottle Caps candy? Those were like Necco Wafers except they TASTED GOOD. I always liked getting a red one that was tangy flavored. Ok why am I craving swedish fish?! Gotta hand it to the Swedes! They invented chefs, fish, and meatballs. Or at least perfected them.   

Necco must be responsible for the idea of putting chocolate chips in cookies. If they get a cut of all that profit then maybe that offsets the losses from making candy out of a combination of chalk dust, dirt, and lint from around and on the top of toilets.

Posted May 31, 2012 by john b in oh ssstop

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