Archive for the ‘oh ssstop’ Category

you have to laugh…   Leave a comment

i never truly the understood the phrase “I had to laugh…” Or, “you gotta laugh…” usually people use those when they are starting to tell an anecdote.

to be honest, i had never really thought about the phrase before. today i realized why it is important to laugh. i mean think about it. someone is telling you that you HAVE or HAD to laugh. i have no other choice? sometimes a person does some thing so peculiar that you will laugh. you have no choice in the matter; you WILL laugh. whether you want to or not.

but sometimes i HAVE to laugh cuz if i don’t, someone gets a beating. the choice is laugh or react with swift violence.


Posted June 3, 2013 by john b in oh ssstop

but, he’s doing it wrong!   Leave a comment

one of my favorite things about being a fitness trainer is when people tell me what is correct and what is not. let me clarify a little. there are many ways to perform certain exercises. there are countless variations to exercises and, if i have learned anything, people modify exercises to accommodate aches and pains. keep that in mind as you read on.

so i am in an appointment with my friend brett. brett does everything i ask of him. he is pretty much the perfect client. as we were talking, an elderly woman came up to me in a huff. (not to be confused with wearing a huff. most people don’t wear huffs to the gym. she was shrouded in huff.) she exclaimed; “that man on the “gazelle machine” is doing it wrong!” “His knees are straight; he should have his knees bent”! my first thought was what the heck is a gazelle machine? I saw the man in question and told her that it was quite common for people to set the machine for a straighter-legged stance if they have knee issues. the man was probably late 60s or early 70s. safe to say that his knees are not what they used to be. the woman was probably the same age.

what i am about to write may offend some people. please realize that it is just an observation based on evidence i have accumulated without trying. elderly people are definitely the most opinionated, the most vocal about it, the least apt to change, and the least forgiving of change that they are subjected to. it is unfortunate. i am 38 yrs old. i would like to look to them for guidance and motivation. occasionally i come across an older person who inspires me, but in my job, the older people complain about any little change to their rituals. in this case the woman was acting as if another member was wandering across a busy freeway.

after i explained the reasons why the man was potentially-performing the exercise, she declared loudly “well fine, but he is doing it wrong!” that was when i smacked her. just kidding. i kinda laughed about it as she walked away. in retrospect i should have asked her for her training credentials and pointed out that she called the Cybex Arc Trainer a “Gazelle Machine”. that last act alone precluded the credibility of her complaint.

brett and i laughed about it and did our workout. it was a good workout. lots of pullups, and all manner of grunting.

the man who was performing the exercise comes to the Y regularly. he is an inspiration to me. he exercises almost daily and is in a pleasant mood.

Posted June 3, 2013 by john b in oh ssstop

Way too much – Way too soon.   1 comment

new members at the Ymca are like chocolates. you never know how crazy they are until you bite them.

so he joined the y. as he was getting his tour of the building i was introduced. he wants to be an mma fighter. ok well that means lots of working out. i can help with that. we made an appointment to work out the following day. introduction+brief discussion=5 minutes.

the following day…
in walks dude ready for a workout.
me: hey gimme 5 minutes, i’m changing some stuff in your routine before we start.
dude: no prob! …so last night one of my biggest fantasies came true…
me: (in my head) oh please, please let this be about food, or sports, or anything, just don’t be what i think it might be.
dude: i had a 3some. they are still in my bed. i wish i was still at home.
me: God… why? seriously, why? no really God, im bein’ f’realz. why? is this a lesson? a practical joke? is this payback? did sarah ask you do dink me cuz i play call of duty a lot? it is, isn’t it? i will change. i can be a better man. just please make him go away! let me wake up now and be at home. i will throw open the window and yell to passing kids and buy turkeys for poor people.
dude: i’m ready to workout!
me: sigh… ok.

we proceeded to put him through his workout. it lasted 45 minutes. he made 3 sexual references. they were dependent on which body part we were exercising. then he would giggle maniacally. i felt dirty after the appointment. i wanted to pour bleach in my ears. and down his throat.

so today he came in again. not to workout. just to talk. to hang. to get my phone number. to be my best friend. know how i know? cuz he told me that he told one of his 2 ladies (the one he “cares” about) that the best part about the Y is that the trainers really want to help you and you should be friends with your trainer. so he invited me to hang out.

i don’t really care if you are into 3somes, or 4somes. i personally prefer awesomes. with my wife.

Posted January 4, 2013 by john b in oh ssstop

Bruno the Huge   Leave a comment

I had an appointment today with a gentleman named Bruno. Bruno came to me years ago to start training to become big and muscular. The he stopped coming after about 4 sessions. And now he is back.

Bruno is not all there. I don’t think he is even mostly there. Probably about 50% there. And now he is here wanting to be huge.

I am 6 ‘ 2, 205 lbs. Bruno is 6 ft, 147 lbs. Bruno is very, VERY small. And crazy.

He talks about the military. He said was in the military, and often refers to basic training. Today, while doing the bench press, he said it was the military that taught him to breathe correctly while lifting. He was actually correct regardless of how he came upon the information. 

Then he said, “black cops don’t quit”. 

I thought that was an odd statement to make while lifting. Bruno isn’t black, and  Bruno isn’t an officer of the law.

Then I realized he said “Black-Ops don’t quit”. Ahhh… like xbox. Silly me. Of course, video games don’t quit.

Bruno is one of those guys that I just know is spinning my wheels. He is a waste of time. He won’t continue and he won’t ever be muscular. He won’t even be average.

I was very tempted to put him out of his misery by putting him into his misery. Meaning, I would work him hard enough that, when he wakes up tomorrow morning, he will feel like his rotund wife had been jumping up and down on him all night long. Second appointment? Doubtful.

Bruno’s wife is very small. She is 5 ft tall and about the same width as she is high. She wants to lose weight. But she doesn’t want to work out. I sympathize with her and put her on a bike for 20 minutes. She barely made it. Barely. But I was proud of her and gave her a high five. And Bruno said he was proud of her and suggested they go to Wendy’s for cheeseburgers. And he wasn’t kidding. His logic was that a cheeseburger isn’t bad once in a while. I agreed with him but then flatly commented that what his wife will eat following her first ever workout to lose weight probaly should be something leaner. He said, “Like what?” I said, “You can’t think of anything?” Bruno makes me want to slap my forehead. Actually, Bruno makes me want to slap Bruno’s forehead.

This all sounds very mean. I don’t want to be mean. It is the facts of being a trainer. Sometimes you just know when a client is a complete waste of time and energy.

I wish he would stick with it though. With a name like Bruno he really should be a tough guy.

Posted November 6, 2012 by john b in oh ssstop

The Best Wedding Yet   Leave a comment

my friend brennan (lover of manly things like hockey and beer and drums and good music) married his friend tara (lover of manly things like brennan) sunday. i was in the wedding. to date, it was the best wedding. i have a lot of reasons why. in fact, you can’t really argue with me as to whether or not it was actually the best wedding because i will offer reasons and facts and you will be wrong, and shamed. don’t believe me? well here are some of the reasons why it was the best…

brennan married tara

tara married brennan (bren and i are close–so she actually married both of us but she doesnt know that yet… i dont think. she will soon though)

they were married at northgate fmc and pastor andy did the ceremony

anth (singer/songwriter/worship leader/hockey buddy/softball captain/father to 2 awesome boys/maintainer of good looks with less hair than the average head of hair holds #hardtodo), sang this song by dustin kensrue

pretty much the best song ever written

just to recap so far… the best 2+ people, married in the best church, by the best pastor, to the best song = best wedding.

not convinced huh? ok i have more

the weather was just about 80 with a breeze

justin michau did the photography as you can see, justin can operate a camera much like a marine sniper operates a rifle

the reception was at becker farms  and becker is only one letter less than beckler, which is the best name ever. 

they had a build-your-own-loaded-baked-potato table

they also had a build-your-own-taco table

they ALSO had a build-your-own-burger table. with endless bacon

brennan’s bro was home from the army to be his best man

AND… i got to enjoy the reception with my lady sarah (lover of manly things – me/ blogger of sweet bloggings/crafter of crafty things)

if you aren’t convinced by now- you are crazy and obviously biased and may have suffered a head injury recently or maybe even not recently but you should prolly get that checked in case you have a concussion cuz im pretty sure you have permanent damage

Posted July 10, 2012 by john b in oh ssstop

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June 27 – A perfect day for asparagus   Leave a comment

well it is blog time again. i don’t really have any one thing that will be the theme of this blog. i have had a few things tickle my fancy lately (my friends know that i have an extremely ticklish fancy). and well, my friend nick mieney is dogging me to write so here is my blog in nick’s honor.

yesterday i went grocery shopping and realized something about myself. i can be thinking- “gee whiz im in a great mood cuz i found everything i was looking for in the store and the sun is shining and for the first time in my life i actually think some babies are cute and i cant wait to tear into this pomegranate greek yogurt”, then go the self checkout section (i am very independent to the point of offending people that try to be helpful), and lose my good mood in seconds. so i can be in the amazingly good mood, but when i scan that first item, and am putting it in the bag, and the computer voice tells me to put it in the bag not even a second after i have scanned it… i swear i cant control the expression my face makes. i reeeeeaaaallly want to smash that stupid machine.

seriously i need to work on that stuff.  i get derailed pretty easy some times. the problem is the primer to that situation. you know when you walk up to the self checkout area (no i am not talking about the mirrors by the dumbells at the Y where the guys check out themselves, i am referring to the machines at Tops) and there are a couple of people waiting, but as I am standing about 3 people back i realize that one of the 6 checkout machines is actually open but the person at the front of the line hasn’t noticed yet. ok sorry, that was the longest, worst sentence ever written.

but yeah, the checkout is wide open but the person hasnt noticed. so that is the first test. i usually pass that test rather easily. i over-ride my natural instinct to roll up a nearby magazine and hit them in the back of the head. no i am not cruel. i wouldn’t use a cosmo mag. i would grab a slightly thinner and lighter mag-rag that has a cover claiming that tom cruise is having an affair with a time-travelling fan from 2025 who saw the Mission Impossible movies and liked them (but doesnt like Vanilla Sky at all and wonders why he made it but still loves him enough to travel back in time and have an affair with him).

 so yeah, i kind of chuckle off the clueless shopper and step up to the next free checkout machine. then i scan my first item and the voice says “please put the item in the bag” before i can get it into the bag. instant sour mood. like using a sour patch kid for a suppository. you know, those super-sour candies that make your eyes flutter and half close and your cheeks quiver.

i am still generally in a good mood most all of the time. i love the summer. my thing is that when i lose that good mood, cuz i got irked, it usually brings out a rather extreme response from me.

lately i have been thinking a little more violently. i hope this blog isn’t used as evidence later after i have gone postal and people say this was the first signs.

like, for instance… (oh ps, never start a sentence with “like, for instance”)  

i think that politicians that obstruct items that would be for the good of the country, but are not from their party or would otherwise not serve them personally, should be shot for treason. im serious. the politicians we have now dont care about the country. they care about the advancement of their political party. we need an impartial board who reviews the actions of our government officials without knowing their names or party and determines whether their actions are selfish or without regard for the people. then the penalty is imprisonment or their legs. they can choose.

soccer players who flop on the ground, pretending to be hurt, should be trampled by all players still standing. or, upon video review by a panel of hockey players, they can be subjected to a beating by the opposing team.

so thats a couple of thoughts i’ve had recently. oh and i have been eating asparagus today, hence the title.


Posted June 27, 2012 by john b in oh ssstop, philosofickle

Insane Coworkers   Leave a comment

Well, I have been trying to keep smiling and be polite all day as my boss and coworkers do their best to drive me to the point of drowning myself in the drinking fountain. I have reached my blogging point. You know, the point where you simply must complain, so you go online, and since you are sick of people complaining on facebook you just blog cuz that is way more classy. riiiight.

At any rate, I though you all (and by all I mean the 5 of you that read this blog) might get a kick out of the text conversation I have been having with my boss.

First let me share the breaking point. It came when, during my insane text conversation with my other boss, my coworkers at the YMCA told me that I had to clean up the lockerroom because someone had left the steam-room door open and the steam had made the floor all wet. So the lady who is the maintenance person on duty gave me a mop and mop bucket full of hot soapy water. To clean up the water on the floor. Cuz everyone knows that if you add water to water it cancels itself out and becomes dry. What. The. Heck. REALLY? You want me to mop with water to make the water go away?! “Yes your honor, that is when I blogged.”

So here is the text conversation regarding me helping to deliver and set up an electric piano to a woman in Churchville. I will include all typos and weirdness. This is exactly as I received it.

Boss- is it possible to early to the piano tom am?thurs

Me- What time?

Boss- iyou could name rhe time..the ouano is here..upbox at the house..if you could go then i would call dean..anytime..i would pass on the other guy moving

Me- I could meet them there at ten

Boss- ok i will call him and see if  we line this up..i will let you know thanks

Me- Ok

Boss- ok dean can go..would like to meet dean at churchville at the ladys house and tell me the and i will have there with the piano

Me- Ok just text me the address when you have it

Boss- (Address) would that work best for you and what time could meet the guys with the pino on the truck at her

Me- Ten

Boss- are coming back to you think you should help the two guys load it on the truck and will ride with them..this will be a good paying gig

Me- It is in a box?

Boss- yes

Me- They can load it im sure. i wld rather just meet them. it wont take 3 guys to put it on the truck.

Boss- i could get some one to help on this end  what time to meet tou tom at the lahys house and i will confirm

Me- Ten

Boss- so what is the plan …you meet there or here  and what time

Me- If you really think we need 2 movers plus me to load a box then i will meet them at the store at 930 and go out from there. otherwise i will meet them at the house at ten am.

no answer yet.

Then the mopping begins and ends and the blog is written. I feel better now thank you! Well, until tomorrow when I have to deal with this all.


Posted June 13, 2012 by john b in oh ssstop