There are certain things that happen to us all, or just are. What I mean is–certain things are going to happen to each of us as we age. We can’t stop it and should not feel exempt. And, certain things just are even though some of us are unaware or deny their being. They are certain truths.

4 examples of truths (whether we like it or not):

1) Everybody farts. Yes, even women. Sometimes they are the worst. That’s what you get when you live on french fries, chicken fingers, and pop tarts.

2) Baby animals are cute. Baby people are cute. In the early stages baby animals are cuter than baby people. Then baby people catch up and become cuter, then they stop being cute and animals overtake them, and then animals are cuter later in life. In short, when you add up all the cuteness in a lifetime–animals spend more time being cute than people.Thus animals are cuter than people.

PERSON-  Baby-looks like lizard——->Cute infant——->Brat that says cute things occasionally——->potentially, but not always cute kid——->acne (not cute)——->possibly cute young adult/adult——->uncute phase from 30-70——-> very short window of cuteness for elderly person(only if they are short and not driving)——->The end.

ANIMAL-  Baby-adorable with half shut eyes and squeeky noises——->cute while growing——->adult but still retaining a degree of cuteness——->The end.

3) Facial hair exists on both sexes. And mustaches are never good.

4) Both men AND women are crazy. To each other. If God didn’t make our private parts want the private parts of the opposite sex we would not have anything to do with each other.

Examples of what will be:

1) Hair will grow from your ears at some point. And it will grow wild and free. And if you can tame it–it will break free again.

2) As you age more and more foods will disagree with you and when you go into the bathroom to fight it out it will smell just like when your parents used to fight it out in the bathroom.

3) You will use the phrase “crazy kids” at some point in the near future.

4) You have a window of “coolness”. It does not last forever. If you happen to die in your window of coolness you will live forever as cool. Deep, I know. Some people try to be cool all the time forever. Someone needs to walk up behind them and push them out of the window of coolness.

Ok, I will stop there. I think we learned a lot today.

jb

It was kinda scrunched up at this point. When “walking” it was as long as my fingers.

These are the kind of caterpillars that spin a cocoon and come out a bald eagle.

In other news… I had to look up the spelling of cocoon.

So there I was. Just finished using the bathroom, and like any decent cootie-covered guy I needed to wash my hands.

What to do? Hot water, or cold water? Apparently I can’t have both. I am so accustomed to both! It’s like ordering a sub and having the person taking your order say, “Do you want lettuce, or tomatoes, or onions”? Whaaaaaa? I want them all! But you can’t have them all John, you only get one. Hot or cold bud; what’ll it be?

I turned them both on and moved my hands quickly back and forth from one to the other.

Ever take a bite of something, or a sip, and just as it is entering your mouth–you get a whiff of something pungent? I hate that. It happens every so often but lately it has happened a bit. Hence the blog. Hence. Funny word. Anyways…

The drinking fountain at my work (the gym) is the worst for me. ok I take that back, it’s not the worst but it is up there.

I hate coffee. I like the smell of ground coffee beans but coffee in liquid form is repugnant to me. Especially with creamer added. Black=gross, Light brown=dry heaves. I walked past the drinking fountain and went for a sip. I put mouth face down to get the water and was met with the overwhelming stench of the coffee that someone had just poured out into the fountain. I was endulging in the most flavorless yet refreshing thing but was slapped in the face with a yuckfest of nausea-inducing blech stench.

Just today I went for another drink, and apparently someone put on too much hand sanitizer then rinsed it off into the drinking fountain. It burned my nostrils.

But the worst…

Driving to work and eating oatmeal with cinnamon on it. For those of you that live in the country- have you ever seen those big tanker trucks that carry liquified cow poop? The back of the tank is usually smeared with brown stuck-on remains of the drippings. I drove past one of those that was driving through a field slinging soupy stool all over the place. The wind was blowing towards me, so with one hand on the wheel and one hand spooning brown oatmeal into my mouth…

Needless to say that bite was ruined. I knew it was oatmeal and was yummy (or used to be) but my nose told me it wasn’t. My nose was screaming, “ABORT! ABORT! FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS GOOD IN THIS WORLD PLEASE DO NOT EAT THAT!” I ate it. It was the last time I ate oatmeal. I will eat it again, but it might be a little while. I’m tellin ya… the stench was so profound that I swear my teeth were gritty feeling after I breathed that liquified cow-loaf laden air.

 

Ah the gym. I love it. Well, on some days I also hate it (see other Gym posts). But mostly I love it. The people that comprise my gym never cease to amuse me. The older men are set in their ways, the older women complain, the young men watch the girls while flexing in the mirror, and the young girls complain about the young men.

To the older gents:

You have forgotten why you come to the gym. Yes socializing is a large part of it and is healthy for you, but so is using the equipment here. Have you noticed that you no longer sweat when you work out? Yeah, that’s because you have been using the same bike every day for 20 years and if that bike could produce electricity you expend just enough energy to have baked a potato. Over the last 20 years.

To the older ladies:

I am sorry but the water exercise class is for other people too. I am sorry the instructor doesn’t look happy. You are sogging around in front of her and you are wearing a bathing suit. Oh yeah and you were complaining about the water temperature, and the number of people, and the lack of music, and the volume of music, and the lack of friendliness at the front desk when you walked past them in your bathing suit. Please… stop complaining.

To the young men:

News flash… the bench press works your chest. Not your arms, not your legs, not your back, not your shoulders, not your abs. Your chest. So when that is all you do what do you expect from your body? That is why you have skinny arms and no legs. You look like 2 grapes on a straw. Nobody but you cares about how much you bench. And here is a free tip: girls like friendly guys. Smile. Say hi and walk away. In fact, don’t even stop. Say hi and smile as you are walking by. Do this for a few weeks before you default to your regular pickup style. You know what I mean, when you walk up and start telling her the “proper” way to perform the exercise that she is doing, while she is wearing her headphones. If she frowns-walk away. If she does not remove the headphones-walk away. If she won’t look directly at you-walk away. If you ask for her number and she says “um… uh… ok”. don’t wait for the number-walk away. Do NOT flex in the mirrors. Do not spit while working out. Oh and ps… that shirt you cut up that lets us all see your nipples while you lift? Yeah, throw it out.

To the young ladies:

If you tempt them, they will come. What’s that? You don’t want the guys staring? Hmmm where do I start? How ’bout you try wearing shorts that do not expose the lower half of your fanny that you are so self-conscious of? You can’t wear clothes to attract the young guys without attracting the older guys. That’s just how it is. I know you want to make that fanny smaller so stop doing squats and leg presses that make it bigger. Nobody likes doing cardio exercise but that is what burns fat off. If you don’t like doing it then maybe cutting back on loaded fries is the answer. Just shooting in the dark here. The dumbells won’t help. The leg lifts won’t help. Cardio. Or eat right. Your choice.

To all of you:

Stop looking for affirmation and start looking for information. Don’t ask everyone the same question until you get the one answer that lines up with what you are hoping for. Example: You-my ankle hurts when I run. Me-you run a lot? You-every day. Me-stop running for a week or 2. What you have is a repetitive-use injury. It will go away if you rest it. Use a machine that does not involve impact on your ankle. You-well but what can I do so I can still run? Me- blink* blink* um… you need to rest the ankle and let it heal. You-right, but I want to run today.

Don’t get me wrong- I know this sounds like a load of complaining but really I enjoy it all. I really do.

jb

I had to eat but wasn’t really in the mood for an actual meal. The result? One slice of bread and a “healthy” glob of peanut butter. Not a blob. Glob. Big difference. Blobs are nasty. Horror movies are made about blobs. Globs are delicious. Unless they are globs of hair product or grease. Well globs can be delicious. Blobs are never delicious.

But I digest. I mean digress.

You know those scenes in movies when something happens and the character is transported somewhere very fast? Everything around blurs and there is a whooshing sound. If you have seen Harry Potter movies then you know what I am speaking of. Anyway thats what happened when I took the first bite.

You see–I haven’t had a pb samwich in quite some time. I bit in and WHOOSH. I was a kid. Memories flooded in and… ok ok I know what you are thinking; “Geez John that must have been some serious whooshing cuz you are OLD”. Shut it or I will pb that sucker shut.

Random thoughts of a young, fat, pb luvin’, lego building, sandbox playing, hulk tshirt sporting, dirtbike wishing young dude. Tree house. Paper route. Commodore 64 computer. Radio controlled cars. Lincoln Logs. Battle Ship. Silly Putty. G.I.Joes. Starwars. Ben Burch, Chris Farmer and the Bentley Bros. Dreams of the NBA. Stiff jeans bought in the husky section. Tall white tube socks with red stripes around the top. White Keds, and red Roos.

Ok I am back. The sandwich is et and it’s almost fall on memory lane. Done with then and back to now.

jb

have you ever been told that “it’s none of your business”? it has been on rare occurrences in my own life. probably because i tend to not listen to gossip or the latest news because i really don’t care.

sometimes i should care but i don’t. that’s when i get into trouble. almost daily i have to remind myself to pay closer attention to what is being said. i tend to be in my own head a lot.

but… on 2 occasions i was told it’s none of your business. 

i have to admit that it burned a little. actually it burned a lot. there is no way to misunderstand that statement, and it is not a mild statement at all. it is a bold, poignant statement. i wasn’t prying; i was being a little bit naive, but i was not trying to gain access to sensitive materials. in fact, i was trying to help and that is why it probably is coming out in a blog.

the first time… a loooong time ago. my gf at the time complained that we didn’t spend much time together. this complaint was altogether false but we will discuss that some other time. at any rate, i decided to take a day off of work to have some QT. i asked a coworker how our boss paid him–hourly or salary. i figured if he wanted extra hours and would profit from them then i would offer them to him first. his response? INOYB. zing.

what’s wrong with, “why do you ask?”, or “i usually don’t discuss that, is there a reason you ask?”

my bad. it’s funny to admit but it really stung.

#2- actually before i tell you the second time i feel the need to confess. i was just about to type this next section and a kind of embarassing thing happened. when i am working at the YMCA i tend to call people “chief”. not sure why. i think it started with my then-boss Holly. she is very small and athletic and i thought it was respectful and kinda funny to address her as Chief. well i just called a member “chief”. he is native american. i didn’t think of that before it came out. does anyone else taste shoe besides me? no?

ok on to #2. a guy that i had known for a few years had been coming in to my place of employment for years and he also goes to my church. he always talked to me at length and picked my brain about guitars and such. so one day he walks in the store and up to me at the counter and gives a long sigh accompanied by a dejected look. i said “you ok?”, and he said no. we talked but he didn’t give any specific info, just that he was having a real hard time. lots of sideways glances and sighing.

i never know what to do in these situations. do i keep my distance and eventually he/she will spill at their own leisure, or do i act as a concerned friend and ask? i get afraid that if i don’t ask then i will come off as uncaring.

i asked, “is it home stuff”? his reply? N.O.Y.B. zing. once again i was meaning well and got the shove off. the ol’ “get your nose outta my stuff yo”.

so… if i don’t pry for info when you are obviously burdened with some issue–it’s cuz i was burned before. i’m a friend with baggage. except that i blog my business:)

jb

Part of today’s blog is taken from a note I wrote on my facebook page a little while back. The rest of it is freshly made today!

It’s time. I simply must say what I have been thinking for some time. Businesses should consult people in marketing before they name their company. Seriously. Spend a few bucks or at least talk to a few people. OR even just get someone to help you use your company’s stupid name to draw attention to it (in a positive way).At very least write down some possible names and let some random people decide.

First of all, be extra attentive to the name of the city you live in before naming your business. Buffalo Shrink Wrapping? Seriously? Isn’t there a better way to ship a Buffalo rather than shrink wrapping it? Do you at least poke a few holes in the wrapping so the poor beast can breathe? Those animals represent our city! For Pete’s sake show some respect! 

And speaking of respect… Buffalo Exterminators??! How much business can this company have? Do you reeeeally have a Buffalo problem and is extermination the best answer? I’m not so sure.

High Voltage Tattoo. Um.. If I made a list of the names to avoid (assuming I were to open a tattoo application business) I would avoid names that imply or otherwise SCREAM potential health risk. Doesn’t one apply the ink with an electrified needle? The title “high voltage” is only one or two places ahead of “The Dirty Needle” on the list of tattoo shop no-no names. Also above “Permanent Regret”. Why not approach your title from a positive stance instead of a dangerous one? Living Art, Incredible Ink… whatever. Tattoo places do have some of the best names. And by best I mean entertaining.

Lastly…  Extreme. What is the deal with people starting their business name with Extreme?

Obviously some lines of work can bear the label extreme. Like Extreme Graphix! It is reasonable to assume that some people might want extreme graphics. And this company backs up their extreme label by using an x in “Graphics”. Now it becomes Graphix = extreme. Not quite as extreme as Grafix  but it’s important that potential clients are confident that you can spell.

Some lines of work definitely should not be labeled as extreme. Not only does it sound like you polled your son’s 6th grade class for possible names, but it also might undercut your attempt at positive advertising. Believe me I am not going to hire extreme anything when it comes to people that are supposed to FIX things. Extreme carpentry? No. How is your work extreme? Extreme plumbing? Not a chance. Unless… you fix things in extreme locations. Like maybe Extreme Carpentry only fixes houses or other wooden structures that are precariously constructed on cliffs or on stilts over raging rapids. If your house is built over raging rapids then I suppose you have need of both extreme carpentry and plumbing.

Other extreme business I have found:

Extreme Tanning. Um tanning that is too dark is nasty and too much of it can kill you so do you really think “extreme” is appropriate?

Extreme Automotive. Perfect. The next time the sun roof in my jet fuel powered drag car breaks I will certainly call them. That’s unfair though. Maybe they fix the car while you are driving. THAT is extreme automotive care. 

Sorry this one was so long! Extreme Blog is done.

jb

In fact, I like to get new fangles every 12-18 months. They wear out somewhat quickly and I certainly do not want to be seen with old fangles.

Ok yeah that’s just silly. And what the heck are fangles? I was talking with my friend Justin last night while walking around Darien Lake Theme Park. He commented that they always have some new-fangled thing every year. I realized then that I had said the same thing many times and heard it many more times, and had no idea what fangles are.

How do I even know if something is fangled? Much less newly fangled. Well after discussing our lack of knowledge pertaining to fangles and then indulging in a short exchange on our fashionable new fangles, I decided I had to blog about it.

Let me tell you that after a little research it is much more enjoyable to be ignorant on the subject of fangles. You see, the dictionary simply says that something fangled is fashionable/foolish. They even used the word foppish. Man do I like that word foppish. It is a word that provides visual description and yet it also kind of makes a sound. Like the word flop.When you think of something flopping you might think of a broadway show doing poorly or you might think of a fish on dry land or you might think of a pancake missing your plate and hitting the floor with a certain sound. Flop. Like a plop but not quite as distinct.

Foppish. Foolish/Floppy? I dunno!

Anyway… new-fangled is mostly derogatory and means something new, a contrivance that is silly. I happen to want to think of new-fangled as meaning something that was adorned with freshly made/purchased fangles. The very latest. Highly fashionable and worthy of envy.

So yes, I purchase new fangles every 12-18 months.

jb

At first I was thinking the silly request would just kinda disappear after a while. After all it is unreasonable for one older lady to ask for me to hang a speaker behind the one machine that she likes to use. Ok, let me back up…

At the gym that I work at we have speakers on the wall by the weights, but not by the cardio machines (treadmills, ellipticles, bikes… etc). The reason? Most people have headphones that they plug into the tvs on the machines or into ipod/mp3 players. Not this woman. She positively would not be made subject to technology. So… she made me subject to her unreasonable demand. “Please hang a speaker on the wall behind the ellipticle machine for me”. Huh? You want me to run 110 feet of speaker wire just for one speaker for you instead of you purchasing $5 headphones? Yeah right. I mean c’mon, she must have a walkman or something at home. Probably in a fanny pack.

Weeks later she marched into the CEO’s office and declared that she would be cancelling her membership unless a speaker was hung. That day I spent 3 hours running wire and hanging a speaker. At this point I hated her. I wanted old age to claim her so that I could exchange the speaker for a piece of wood that would read “In loathing memory of the crusty woman”. I know that is very harsh but after 3 hours I was not happy. Well crisis was averted and she got her speaker.

1 week later…

A nice older woman (notice a pattern?) took me aside and asked for me to shut the speaker off that was behind the ellipticle machine she likes to use. You see– she said that the music drove her crazy. “That music isn’t even music”, she said. “It doesn’t have… rhythm.”

Huh? It doesn’t? I’m sorry what? I don’t speak old. Yet.

At this point she was no longer a “nice” older lady. Thankfully I had hooked the speaker up so that it could easily be shut off. So now the drill is that the employees have to turn it off (or on) depending on which lady is here. I pray every day for them both to show up at the same time so that I can introduce them to each other and encourage them to fight it out. My hope is that one or both would not survive the encounter.

The bitterness in my soul is slowly subsiding. I will be alright.